New Year

164.0.

One sixty-four on Jan 1, 2010, and let me tell you, I am very, very thankful to be at this weight and not 5 pounds more. Given the stress of the last two weeks and several binges, it's truly a miracle that I managed to maintain the weight I was before the holidays.

My mother visisted for about 2 weeks, and while I love her dearly, it is always stressful to live with your mom around. Besides which, I've come to notice that she may have some food issues of her own.

Whenever she visits, my mother always stuffs my refrigerator to its absolute gills. This has always annoyed me somewhat, but never more so than now since I've been in OA. The amount of food she buys and the quantities in which she buys it (for a 2 week visit!) are amazing. My mom is a tiny woman, due to a lot of exercise and her close, nearly obsessive attention to her caloric intake. She has been dieting my entire life. I can never remember a time when she wasn't watching her weight, and making suggestions for how I could do the same. She eats very little breakfast and a liquid lunch (slim fast), then snacks and binge-eats at night. I used to do that, too. I still do the binge-eating part sometimes, but hopefully I'll get the point where I can claim abstinence for impressive periods of time.

Of course, it isn't all my mom's fault. She doesn't know anything, really, about my program or recovery, she's just doing what she's always done. In addition to all the extra food in the house, we made about a million cookies together (my ultimate trigger food), and she bought a huge bag of M&Ms to keep around the house. I was doing okay until the cookies appeared. Once the cookies were made, I binged on them for days.

Within 20 minutes of my mom's departure, I opened up two big garbage bags and stuffed them full of the awful, extra food in my refrigerator. Much of it I sent to my husband's work, but the stuff that was on it's way out just went to the garbage. She buys food at Cosco, which means there was entirely too much of everything: huge pies, several packages of dips, 2 big bags of chips, large containers of lunch meant, bins of cookie dough, leftover sandwiches and more. The only real trigger foods for me are the sweets, but the combination of being under stress and having the sweets readily available is what killed me a few times. I cleared out my pantry so that it looked exactly like it did the day she arrived, and went back to my normal eating habits. It was such an enormous relief when all of that stuff was out of the house. Who needs that much food? No one, I say, unless you're feeding an army.

I'd gained a few pounds during her visit because I did not remain abstinent. But thankfully, the pounds weren't permanent, and when I relapsed, I was able to forgive myself, recognize that I was in a pretty tough situation, pray, recover and ultimately keep my eye on the ball. The next time she visits, I'm going to have to talk with her about this ahead of time. Ugh.

I am probably the only person in the country who is looking forward to getting back to the routine of a normal work/school week next week. I hope you are all having success tackling any food issues you may have.

Happy New Year

...One step back.

164.8 today. Why are you up, you ask? Several reasons.

First, my mother is in town. Love her to pieces? Yes, I do. Does having your mother by your side all the time complicate things? Certainly, it does. It's also a very busy and stressful time of year, which doesn't help.

I binged last night on ginger snap cookies. I binged because it's stressful to be with my mom 24/7, even though it all seems great on the surface. I just need some time alone, and last night when I got home she had gone to bed and I felt like "Ooh, yay I have some 'me' time." Unfortunately I followed some old patterns and I ate. Not cool, yes, I know. I haven't binged in weeks, and am feeling just awful (physically) today. Due to crazy schedule stuff, I haven't been to an OA meeting in 2 weeks, and feel a little removed from the healing. As I write this, this is probably the time in which I need OA the most, so I will make a point to try to at least get to a phone meeting tonight or tomorrow.

Am doing well food-wise today, because 1) I forgave myself for last night 2) because I want to feel better physically. I can't believe that I used to binge, and then have this awful, bloated feeling all the time. I really did that, you know. It was out of control.

1st Big Milestone!

163.3 today.

Do you know what that means? It means I've officially lost 11lbs since this blog began, and 15lbs since I was at my highest weight.

I lost those 15lbs over a period of approximately 12 weeks, which is an average of slightly over 1lb per week. It's the slowest weight loss I've ever accomplished, and it's been done by examining *why* I eat instead of *what* I eat.

It has not been easy, but so far the rewards have been great. I'm grateful to OA, and to God, for getting me to some early notion of inner peace that I never thought I would see again. I am still a novice at the program, but am learning.

Size 12 pants fit beautifully, size 14s have been put out to pasture, and generally I feel pretty good. Here's to slow, steady, imperfect progress!

Next up: let's get to 160.

Struggling

166.8 today.

I'm struggling.

I'm out of the crazy eating stage (which I'll call The Crazy), and for that I am thankful and grateful. But I'm not mended yet.

During The Crazy, when I was up to 177 (gasp!), I would just eat terrible foods all day long, then binge almost every night. Some of my daily food intake was just incredible, not necessarily for volume, but for the lack of health. Almost no fruits or vegetables, and very little (if any) water.

During The Crazy, my life was out of control on the inside, but probably looked okay on the outside. I had trouble sleeping, and I was starting to have painful reflux issues. I never told my husband that part, since it was (and still is) pretty embarrassing. Once, I was at a restaurant with my sons and I began eating some fatty food -- deep fried sesame chicken or some such-- and I had to leave the table to throw up because the reflux was so bad. It's kind of a wake up call to be in a puking in a bathroom stall with my kids watching me, scared.

I'm in a much, much healthier eating pattern. I have not had reflux symptoms since I started this program of health and weight loss, but I am still refusing to let go of some sneaky habits.

I am surrounded by food all day long. It seems like everywhere I go, someone has a dish of candy or cake or chocolate out on their desk, or even at the boys' preschool. I have been eating one or two lately, telling myself that "it's just one or two, and I am doing really well".

Tonight I even left the house with the excuse of returning a blouse, but I was following an old pattern of going to the mall for and stopping by the candy store to binge on chocolate. I didn't end up going to the chocolate store tonight, but I did end up spending 3x as much money as I originally planned on clothes. Three times as much money. Let that sink in.

Those new clothes are hanging in my closet now, just 50 feet away, as I type this.

I know exactly what I did. I knew I was doing it when I did it, but I did it anyway. My husband will be pretty damn annoyed with the $150 bill, and I know that, and yet I still did it. And here's another confession: that is the second time this week that I have had a shopping binge, and the second time this week I have spent close to $200. I head to the mall, following an old pattern to get chocolate, then I remind myself that I don't want chocolate, but then I buy clothes. It's as if my brain is going to get what it wants, whether it be food or new clothes - whatever the "high" is - however it can get it. It is so frustrating to have this issue. This addiction.

I do great with eating and with other people all day. I'm a much more whole person at work, I'm happier and my new job is working out really well. My problem is still the evenings. I am still vexed with how to spend that time in a way that feels rewarding to me. Chasing two boys around, getting them fed and bathed, dealing with temper tantrums, trying to be a good parent ... I'm just going to say it right here: this does not do it for me. But what else can I do? They are great kids and of course they are my first priority, and they need to be loved and cared for. I'm considering spending some of the evenings at the local pool. This way, I can get some exercise and the kids will have fun and burn off some energy. Beyond this, I don't know what to do with The Hours. They are the time when I crave sugar foods the most.

I keep re-reading steps 2 and 3 of OA, which say that you literally have to turn yourself over to your higher power to help, that you can. not. do. this. alone. The book says that there are many of us who do not believe that God can really help us with food issues. Deep down, that's true. I have never given over control to God in a complete way ever before. They say to use the program and the people, and turn your cravings over to God when they happen. That just sounds so silly to me, as if God really cares about that chocolate cupcake sitting on a plate, baiting me. But they say God loves us in our totality, and can help. I don't know how to do that. I'm going to start trying, I guess. What other choice do I have? Everything else I have tried to do with regard to eating healthier and not binge-eating has failed. Everything.

I have managed not to binge on sugar foods tonight, but last night I had an ice cream. Tonight, I binge-shopped and instead of over-eating sugar foods, I overate broccoli. I ate almost an entire bag, and I wasn't even hungry. That's not normal eating.

I'm all over the place tonight. Maybe I'll be more centered tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. This confession has been very cleansing.

Has it really been 20 days since I updated? I bet you thought I jumped off the wagon, right? You'd be wrong.

Weighing in at 166.4 this morning, which means I'm down 2.5 pounds down in 20 days. Not fast weight loss by any stretch of the imagination, but slow and steady wins the race.

I'll post more substance soon, I promise. I'm still going to OA meetings and am trying to incorporate this way of life into my own busy life. I'm happier and more grounded than I've been in a long time, but I still struggle with cravings every day. I thought it would be done by now, that by this point in the program I'd have "gotten it", but the change that this program instigates is so deep and so fundamental that it takes a long time for a person to really absorb in her bones.

The new job is going well. I am trying to live a slower, more authentic life, and be grateful and present in every minute. I'm out of my fat jeans and comfortably into a size 12 again. I'm a little amazed that I've been my own hero for this long already.

Oprah & Me

168.8 today. Still downward-trending, despite my unfortunate run-in with more than a handful of Halloween candy.

In other personal news, I officially took the *other* job, the one that affords me a vibrant personal life instead of a vibrant, personal headache.

Sometimes I imagine that Oprah is interviewing me a year from now. There's a big "before & after" photo of me on the back wall of the set. Note that in my fantasy my "before" photo isn't terrible and my "after" photo is pretty hot.

The interview goes something like this:

Oprah: Hello! You look fabulous! Have a seat! ... So, our producers read your blog. What a harrowing journey to weight loss!

Me: Yes, it was. It was more like a full soul makeover. The 20 pound weight loss was more like a nice side effect.

Oprah: Ooh, I like that, "a full soul makeover". (Audience claps) So, what made you start this journey? When did you know you were in trouble?

Me: I knew I was in trouble when the scale tipped a certain number - 177, and the old ways of dieting and weight loss were not working anymore. I simply could not "just not eat as much". I would start to eat a few crackers or candies and suddenly I was trying to lick every last crumb in the bottom of the bag. And forget exercise. With two kids and a job, I no longer had the time or the kind of energy I used to have to aim all my energy at the problem.

Oprah: Oh, well we've all been there, haven't we? (audience laughs). So what did you do?

Me: I had started to see a therapist a few months before to figure out what to do about the empty feeling I had about my life and career. Things went very well for about 3 months. I was growing in other areas, and I got back in touch with my creative side. Then one day, during a session, a confession about all of my bad eating habits and binge behaviors just came tumbling out of my mouth. My therapist and I both realized that *eating* was where I was hiding all of the stress, anger and sadness which normally didn't come out during our sessions. So I did some research and found Overeaters Anonymous.

Oprah: So how long had you been hiding your eating habits?

Me: About 8 years. I've always had unnatural behaviors around food, sweets in particular, but I could generally control my weight with periods of hyper-dieting and exercising. When I turned 40, none of that worked anymore. Then, a lot of stressful life events just started piling on.

Oprah: Like what things?

Me: My grandmother died. That was very difficult, because she offered me unconditional love. Then, I had a baby. As all new moms know, this is wonderful but it's an earthquake to both your body and your lifestyle. I felt stressed to be a perfect parent. Then, my husband and I made a big move, mostly for the sake of my career, and that move was stressful in many, many ways. I kept thinking that the babies and the career moves with "fix" everything, but they didn't. My job was high stress, and the stress I put on myself to be a perfect mother was just too much. I just ate the stress away, mostly at night after everyone was in bed.

Oprah: Oh yes. With me, it was shopping, too. Sometimes I just shop to make myself feel better.

Me: Me too!

Oprah: Cute shoes, by the way!

Me: Thank you! Yours, too!

Oprah: Thank you. So, if people are listening who feel stuck in the way that you were, what do you want everyone to know?

Me: Theyy might benefit from an honest examination of their eating habits. If you're hiding food or wrappers, or if you make specific trip to get specific foods, or if you eat to the point of feeling numb, your issue is probably not something that diet and exercise can address long-term. If, on a regular basis, you treat food as something other than nourishment for your body, then give yourself the gift of a potentially life-changing insight and consider an inner fix to food problems, instead of failing at dieting once again. Failing a dieting just makes the cycle worse.

Oprah: And you are living proof of that change, aren't you?

Me: It's still a struggle, some days are better than others, but over all I am calmer, happier, and I live in the moment more often. And I live in the moment in my skinny jeans, which is nice.

Oprah: Well thank you for joining us today. We want to tell everyone that if this sounds like your life, you might consider joining Overeaters Anonymous. They have phone meetings if you just don't want to go somewhere and see someone, and they have online meetings, too.

Me: My pleasure.

Oprah: We also want to thank you for coming on the show by giving you your very own pair of these shoes (points to her shoes), just for you, as a gift for coming on the show. Also, Sting is here to congratulate you in person.

Me: Squee!

Okay. Now I've done my Oprah interview, and least in my imagination. I think I can move on now. :-)

-Overeater

PS: Also, my ex boyfriend is watching the show, except that his television doesn't get the "before" picture transmitted on his screen.

Job dilemma

(from yesterday)

169.8 Walked a 5 mile trail this morning and made a big decision on the way.

I'm grateful and fortunate enough to have 2 job opportunities at the moment. One is a high-paced, high visibility job with a team of people. The other is a research-oriented job with no glory and no team. This is a no brainer for a non-recovering me: obviously I will take the high paced, high visibility job. That is what I have done, that is what I will do, that is what got me this far. The old me would take that job and make it a success.

But the question is: at what price? The price of not living a 3-dimensional life. The price of binge eating to relieve the stress at night, and putting on more weight. The price of hurrying my boys from place to place all the time so I can make this meeting or that one. The price of staying up till one or two in the morning to make my work perfect.

So for the first time in my personal history, I will not take the career-enhancing path. I'm going to lay low for a while and take the research role. The cons of this are that maybe I don't get promoted. I am okay with that; I am paid fairly for what I do and I already feel professionally successful. I have nothing more to prove in the "title and money" regard. It's just that I'm not used to laying low in a job. I don't know whether I am capable of not putting everything I have into such a job. I'll have to turn this over to a higher power.

There are moments when I can't believe I'm not going to take that other job. It's just so not me. And I'm still waffling, truth be known. But the way I am living now isn't working for anyone but my employer. It's not working for me, or for my husband and sons. I think that life could be better, easier, fuller. So, regardless of this free-falling fear I have about the consequences of this decision, I'm going to do it.