...One step back.

164.8 today. Why are you up, you ask? Several reasons.

First, my mother is in town. Love her to pieces? Yes, I do. Does having your mother by your side all the time complicate things? Certainly, it does. It's also a very busy and stressful time of year, which doesn't help.

I binged last night on ginger snap cookies. I binged because it's stressful to be with my mom 24/7, even though it all seems great on the surface. I just need some time alone, and last night when I got home she had gone to bed and I felt like "Ooh, yay I have some 'me' time." Unfortunately I followed some old patterns and I ate. Not cool, yes, I know. I haven't binged in weeks, and am feeling just awful (physically) today. Due to crazy schedule stuff, I haven't been to an OA meeting in 2 weeks, and feel a little removed from the healing. As I write this, this is probably the time in which I need OA the most, so I will make a point to try to at least get to a phone meeting tonight or tomorrow.

Am doing well food-wise today, because 1) I forgave myself for last night 2) because I want to feel better physically. I can't believe that I used to binge, and then have this awful, bloated feeling all the time. I really did that, you know. It was out of control.

1st Big Milestone!

163.3 today.

Do you know what that means? It means I've officially lost 11lbs since this blog began, and 15lbs since I was at my highest weight.

I lost those 15lbs over a period of approximately 12 weeks, which is an average of slightly over 1lb per week. It's the slowest weight loss I've ever accomplished, and it's been done by examining *why* I eat instead of *what* I eat.

It has not been easy, but so far the rewards have been great. I'm grateful to OA, and to God, for getting me to some early notion of inner peace that I never thought I would see again. I am still a novice at the program, but am learning.

Size 12 pants fit beautifully, size 14s have been put out to pasture, and generally I feel pretty good. Here's to slow, steady, imperfect progress!

Next up: let's get to 160.

Struggling

166.8 today.

I'm struggling.

I'm out of the crazy eating stage (which I'll call The Crazy), and for that I am thankful and grateful. But I'm not mended yet.

During The Crazy, when I was up to 177 (gasp!), I would just eat terrible foods all day long, then binge almost every night. Some of my daily food intake was just incredible, not necessarily for volume, but for the lack of health. Almost no fruits or vegetables, and very little (if any) water.

During The Crazy, my life was out of control on the inside, but probably looked okay on the outside. I had trouble sleeping, and I was starting to have painful reflux issues. I never told my husband that part, since it was (and still is) pretty embarrassing. Once, I was at a restaurant with my sons and I began eating some fatty food -- deep fried sesame chicken or some such-- and I had to leave the table to throw up because the reflux was so bad. It's kind of a wake up call to be in a puking in a bathroom stall with my kids watching me, scared.

I'm in a much, much healthier eating pattern. I have not had reflux symptoms since I started this program of health and weight loss, but I am still refusing to let go of some sneaky habits.

I am surrounded by food all day long. It seems like everywhere I go, someone has a dish of candy or cake or chocolate out on their desk, or even at the boys' preschool. I have been eating one or two lately, telling myself that "it's just one or two, and I am doing really well".

Tonight I even left the house with the excuse of returning a blouse, but I was following an old pattern of going to the mall for and stopping by the candy store to binge on chocolate. I didn't end up going to the chocolate store tonight, but I did end up spending 3x as much money as I originally planned on clothes. Three times as much money. Let that sink in.

Those new clothes are hanging in my closet now, just 50 feet away, as I type this.

I know exactly what I did. I knew I was doing it when I did it, but I did it anyway. My husband will be pretty damn annoyed with the $150 bill, and I know that, and yet I still did it. And here's another confession: that is the second time this week that I have had a shopping binge, and the second time this week I have spent close to $200. I head to the mall, following an old pattern to get chocolate, then I remind myself that I don't want chocolate, but then I buy clothes. It's as if my brain is going to get what it wants, whether it be food or new clothes - whatever the "high" is - however it can get it. It is so frustrating to have this issue. This addiction.

I do great with eating and with other people all day. I'm a much more whole person at work, I'm happier and my new job is working out really well. My problem is still the evenings. I am still vexed with how to spend that time in a way that feels rewarding to me. Chasing two boys around, getting them fed and bathed, dealing with temper tantrums, trying to be a good parent ... I'm just going to say it right here: this does not do it for me. But what else can I do? They are great kids and of course they are my first priority, and they need to be loved and cared for. I'm considering spending some of the evenings at the local pool. This way, I can get some exercise and the kids will have fun and burn off some energy. Beyond this, I don't know what to do with The Hours. They are the time when I crave sugar foods the most.

I keep re-reading steps 2 and 3 of OA, which say that you literally have to turn yourself over to your higher power to help, that you can. not. do. this. alone. The book says that there are many of us who do not believe that God can really help us with food issues. Deep down, that's true. I have never given over control to God in a complete way ever before. They say to use the program and the people, and turn your cravings over to God when they happen. That just sounds so silly to me, as if God really cares about that chocolate cupcake sitting on a plate, baiting me. But they say God loves us in our totality, and can help. I don't know how to do that. I'm going to start trying, I guess. What other choice do I have? Everything else I have tried to do with regard to eating healthier and not binge-eating has failed. Everything.

I have managed not to binge on sugar foods tonight, but last night I had an ice cream. Tonight, I binge-shopped and instead of over-eating sugar foods, I overate broccoli. I ate almost an entire bag, and I wasn't even hungry. That's not normal eating.

I'm all over the place tonight. Maybe I'll be more centered tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. This confession has been very cleansing.

Has it really been 20 days since I updated? I bet you thought I jumped off the wagon, right? You'd be wrong.

Weighing in at 166.4 this morning, which means I'm down 2.5 pounds down in 20 days. Not fast weight loss by any stretch of the imagination, but slow and steady wins the race.

I'll post more substance soon, I promise. I'm still going to OA meetings and am trying to incorporate this way of life into my own busy life. I'm happier and more grounded than I've been in a long time, but I still struggle with cravings every day. I thought it would be done by now, that by this point in the program I'd have "gotten it", but the change that this program instigates is so deep and so fundamental that it takes a long time for a person to really absorb in her bones.

The new job is going well. I am trying to live a slower, more authentic life, and be grateful and present in every minute. I'm out of my fat jeans and comfortably into a size 12 again. I'm a little amazed that I've been my own hero for this long already.

Oprah & Me

168.8 today. Still downward-trending, despite my unfortunate run-in with more than a handful of Halloween candy.

In other personal news, I officially took the *other* job, the one that affords me a vibrant personal life instead of a vibrant, personal headache.

Sometimes I imagine that Oprah is interviewing me a year from now. There's a big "before & after" photo of me on the back wall of the set. Note that in my fantasy my "before" photo isn't terrible and my "after" photo is pretty hot.

The interview goes something like this:

Oprah: Hello! You look fabulous! Have a seat! ... So, our producers read your blog. What a harrowing journey to weight loss!

Me: Yes, it was. It was more like a full soul makeover. The 20 pound weight loss was more like a nice side effect.

Oprah: Ooh, I like that, "a full soul makeover". (Audience claps) So, what made you start this journey? When did you know you were in trouble?

Me: I knew I was in trouble when the scale tipped a certain number - 177, and the old ways of dieting and weight loss were not working anymore. I simply could not "just not eat as much". I would start to eat a few crackers or candies and suddenly I was trying to lick every last crumb in the bottom of the bag. And forget exercise. With two kids and a job, I no longer had the time or the kind of energy I used to have to aim all my energy at the problem.

Oprah: Oh, well we've all been there, haven't we? (audience laughs). So what did you do?

Me: I had started to see a therapist a few months before to figure out what to do about the empty feeling I had about my life and career. Things went very well for about 3 months. I was growing in other areas, and I got back in touch with my creative side. Then one day, during a session, a confession about all of my bad eating habits and binge behaviors just came tumbling out of my mouth. My therapist and I both realized that *eating* was where I was hiding all of the stress, anger and sadness which normally didn't come out during our sessions. So I did some research and found Overeaters Anonymous.

Oprah: So how long had you been hiding your eating habits?

Me: About 8 years. I've always had unnatural behaviors around food, sweets in particular, but I could generally control my weight with periods of hyper-dieting and exercising. When I turned 40, none of that worked anymore. Then, a lot of stressful life events just started piling on.

Oprah: Like what things?

Me: My grandmother died. That was very difficult, because she offered me unconditional love. Then, I had a baby. As all new moms know, this is wonderful but it's an earthquake to both your body and your lifestyle. I felt stressed to be a perfect parent. Then, my husband and I made a big move, mostly for the sake of my career, and that move was stressful in many, many ways. I kept thinking that the babies and the career moves with "fix" everything, but they didn't. My job was high stress, and the stress I put on myself to be a perfect mother was just too much. I just ate the stress away, mostly at night after everyone was in bed.

Oprah: Oh yes. With me, it was shopping, too. Sometimes I just shop to make myself feel better.

Me: Me too!

Oprah: Cute shoes, by the way!

Me: Thank you! Yours, too!

Oprah: Thank you. So, if people are listening who feel stuck in the way that you were, what do you want everyone to know?

Me: Theyy might benefit from an honest examination of their eating habits. If you're hiding food or wrappers, or if you make specific trip to get specific foods, or if you eat to the point of feeling numb, your issue is probably not something that diet and exercise can address long-term. If, on a regular basis, you treat food as something other than nourishment for your body, then give yourself the gift of a potentially life-changing insight and consider an inner fix to food problems, instead of failing at dieting once again. Failing a dieting just makes the cycle worse.

Oprah: And you are living proof of that change, aren't you?

Me: It's still a struggle, some days are better than others, but over all I am calmer, happier, and I live in the moment more often. And I live in the moment in my skinny jeans, which is nice.

Oprah: Well thank you for joining us today. We want to tell everyone that if this sounds like your life, you might consider joining Overeaters Anonymous. They have phone meetings if you just don't want to go somewhere and see someone, and they have online meetings, too.

Me: My pleasure.

Oprah: We also want to thank you for coming on the show by giving you your very own pair of these shoes (points to her shoes), just for you, as a gift for coming on the show. Also, Sting is here to congratulate you in person.

Me: Squee!

Okay. Now I've done my Oprah interview, and least in my imagination. I think I can move on now. :-)

-Overeater

PS: Also, my ex boyfriend is watching the show, except that his television doesn't get the "before" picture transmitted on his screen.

Job dilemma

(from yesterday)

169.8 Walked a 5 mile trail this morning and made a big decision on the way.

I'm grateful and fortunate enough to have 2 job opportunities at the moment. One is a high-paced, high visibility job with a team of people. The other is a research-oriented job with no glory and no team. This is a no brainer for a non-recovering me: obviously I will take the high paced, high visibility job. That is what I have done, that is what I will do, that is what got me this far. The old me would take that job and make it a success.

But the question is: at what price? The price of not living a 3-dimensional life. The price of binge eating to relieve the stress at night, and putting on more weight. The price of hurrying my boys from place to place all the time so I can make this meeting or that one. The price of staying up till one or two in the morning to make my work perfect.

So for the first time in my personal history, I will not take the career-enhancing path. I'm going to lay low for a while and take the research role. The cons of this are that maybe I don't get promoted. I am okay with that; I am paid fairly for what I do and I already feel professionally successful. I have nothing more to prove in the "title and money" regard. It's just that I'm not used to laying low in a job. I don't know whether I am capable of not putting everything I have into such a job. I'll have to turn this over to a higher power.

There are moments when I can't believe I'm not going to take that other job. It's just so not me. And I'm still waffling, truth be known. But the way I am living now isn't working for anyone but my employer. It's not working for me, or for my husband and sons. I think that life could be better, easier, fuller. So, regardless of this free-falling fear I have about the consequences of this decision, I'm going to do it.

Slow progress

169.5 today.

Internets, you're going to track my weight loss and recovery pound by long, sloo-ow pound.

In any case, I'm very happy to have officially gotten under 170 for the first time in over one year. I still can't believe I ever weighed that much. My life was out of control.

I attended a phone meeting yesterday, which was wonderful. I'm starting to share at these meetings pretty freely, as if I'm a seasoned regular. I even shared my phone number with this group of virtual strangers. Very odd, but liberating in a weird, thrilling way.

The scale is reflecting some of the inner changes I'm experiencing, like this amazing moment from yesterday:

Last night my boys had some friends over for a play date at our home. We were supposed to meet a a local park, but it got cold and windy during the day and our home was the closest logical alternative. I mention this seemingly mundane logistical detail because it's important to note that I am generally not brave enough to manage a playdate in my home, because I don't handle kid-chaos in stride. It's one of my binge-eating triggers.

But last night, as the children were exploding in cacophony, some of them crying and others screaming happily amongst the toy-strewn mess at my feet, I remained calm and happy. Calm and happy! Even when one of my children was striving for an Olympic medal in the four year-old sport of Friend-Hitting. I just looked around the living room and laughed, because the chaos was so unbelievable. I even went so far as to hug one of the other moms because I was so filled with love at that moment. "Can you believe this is our life?", I asked, laughing.

It was the single most life-affirming moment I have had in years.

Was that really me? If so, it was a glimmer of light on the hope-horizon. I might be getting better.

Perfectionism is a harsh mistress

Information on Perfectionism from Wikipedia:

"In its pathological form, perfectionism can be very damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when it is used to postpone tasks ("I can't start my project until I know the 'right' way to do it."), and self-deprecation when it is used to excuse poor performance or to seek sympathy and affirmation from other people ("I can't believe I don't know how to reach my own goals. I must be stupid; how else could I not be able to do this?").

In the workplace, perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities. This can lead to depression, alienated colleagues, and a greater risk of accidents.^[8] Adderholt-Elliot (1989) describes five characteristics of perfectionist students and teachers which contribute to underachievement: procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset, paralysed perfectionism, and workaholism.^[9] In intimate relationships, unrealistic expectations can cause significant dissatisfaction for both partners.^[10] Perfectionists may sacrifice family and social activities in the quest for their goals.

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disorder, eating disorders, self harm, and clinical depression.^[c"

Where has the OA program been all my life?

See-saw

Still 170.4 today, and I must say I'm a little disappointed.

Yesterday I was at 169, which thrilled me, because I haven't seen that weight in one year. I didn't do anything differently yesterday in terms of eating, so it's kind of a bummer that I went *up*.

I've completely changed my eating habits, so I'm frustrated that the weight is not coming off faster. On the other hand, I'm more centered than I've been in the past year, at least.

I'm still attending phone meetings, though less often, and a weekly in-person meeting.

I have also learned that if I eat something rich in protein at every meal, I am far less hungry and prone to cravings and binges.

I'm reading a lot about perfectionism, and about how it's typically paired with a disconnect between one's mind and one's body.

I like taking care of myself. It's different and kind of fun. I just wish my body would catch up to my current frame of mind. I guess it's going to take a while to undo years of unhealthy eating.

Nothing good ever comes easily, isn't that the truth?

Deceit

I was just looking back through my previous posts, and realized that on many (most?) days, I "sneak" some food that isn't on plan. This reminds me that I am still addicted, though nowhere nearly as out of control as I have been for the last year.

On the whole, I am taking much better care of myself and feel much better now that I've reigned in the madness of a nightly pint of ice cream, but there is hard work to come to terms with this ability to deceive myself. My brain says: "Meh, it's just a little (candy), (handful of fries),(bite of ice cream), etc." and then I'm off to the races: I cannot stop at just one.

If you knew me in real life, you might have no idea that I am addicted. I really look great on paper and can function quite well in the world, but inside I'm a (recovering) mess.

Lessons learned:

• Restaurants are not a good place for me right now
• A Daily Food Plan is essential
• Attending meetings is very important

And

• I can't do this alone. I really can't. I've tried for years and failed. My failure is not a moral flaw. This is a real addiction.

Down Down Down

Weighing in at 170.4 today, down down down from the earlier madness. I should mention that at my most this past year, I weighed 178 and of course I was binge eating every day, all the time. My life is definitely more in control and relaxed.

I've been thinking about reaching out and asking for help from others for about a month since attending OA meetings by phone, and last week's meeting in person. Actually connecting with someone who might be able to help when the compulsion hits will be essential for my reaching Step 2 of the program. I'm not used to asking for help, but I am powerless over food.

Attended a meeting in the morning yesterday and actually made a food plan for the entire day, which was extremely helpful. Slipped a little yesterday because we had planned to make gingerbread cookies with my sons, which was a mistake. It was kind of like an alcoholic taking her family to a bar to eat dinner, thinking "I'm doing fine. I won't need a drink." I was good at abstaining from eating the dough for about 1 hour, but then I let go. Thank goodness it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but to be rigorously honest, I knew exactly what I was doing when I did it. It was just too damn hard to restrain, and it really felt good when I ate it. It was like the beast was satisfied. Aside from that, I did well for the rest of the evening, as evidenced by my continued weight loss.

I hate thinking about food all day long. Even though I did well yesterday, I did well by replacing most of my between meals snacking with fruit and water, so the effect is that I was still eating for most of the day. I wish I had something better to replace this compulsion with. I wish I never thought about food except for energy and nourishment for my body. What will I replace this space with?

Doing great

Checking in at 171.4

Not bad, huh? And still doing well!

I even made an appointment with my regular doctor to take better care of myself. I need a mammogram, I need to better regulate my estrogen, and I need to address my sleep problems.

Go me.

Quick check

173.4 today

Ate well all day, but once I picked up my sons and faced The Hours, I lost it just a little.

I decided to walk with my sons to a nearby restaurant for dinner just for something to do with all that time. At the restaurant I ordered a glass of wine and a green salad, and ended up eating 3 bites of my salad (the dressing was not nearly as inviting as it sounded on the menu), and half of my son's french fries, with ketchup. Restaurants seem to be not such a good choice for me right now. Then, after that, I was feeling like a failure so I ate a Charms lollipop.

On the bright side, where I am now is worlds better than where I was four weeks ago, and light years better than where I've been for the past year, when this latest 10-pound binge began. I will tell you more about what kicked off that binge later, because in that instance, I can trace it back to a single emotional event.

I attended my first face to face OA meeting tonight and I cried like a cork came out of a bottle. In fact, since I started this journey, I feel like I'm about 3 seconds away from crying at any given time. Later I came home and fixed myself some warm chicken broth.

More on the meeting experience later. As part of taking better care of myself, I promised myself I'd try to get to sleep at a decent hour.

Back on the wagon (but there's hay on this wagon and it itches and I'd rather be somewhere else)

I didn't weigh myself this morning, but it was an honest oversight. I was running late and didn't have time to take a shower. The scale is in the bathroom. Yadda yadda yadda ... no weight today, but not out of avoidance. You should especially believe me because I more than likely weigh less than I did yesterday.

I did okay today. I started the morning off well, with a hard boiled egg (of all things -- as if I am 70 years old), a banana and my usual non-fat, no sugar cafe au lait. I didn't plan well for lunch (for reasons that are too logistically complicated and boring to explain), but didn't slip from plan. I avoided birthday cake and general crappy eating at one of my children's friends' birthday parties. I attended a meeting.

Here's the honest truth: I snuck 3 pieces of See's candy because, well, because it is effing hard to quit a habit you've had for much of your life, but which you've spent the last 7 years or so perfecting. However, total for the day I came in at under 1,000 calories, and ate mostly nutritiously.

Normally I would not have been able to stop eating at 3 pieces, but this time, for whatever reason, I was able to concentrate on how really full I felt. The trigger was that I had been with my children all day, being a good, loving, involved and playful parent, and then when it was time for my husband to take over for a while, I reached for the candy. It was my reward, my treat, my "this is for me" time.

Oh, we had us a stare-down, me and that package of See's, before I ate some of them. I just ate one after the other, pretending that I wasn't eating them at all, pretending as if eating them was happening to someone else and not me. And the rationalization - oh, the rationalization! I'll just eat a half of a piece turned into one piece won't kill me and then oh well two is fine - they're kinda small and I've been very good for almost two days. I didn't even want the third piece but the habit is so strong.

I attended an OA phone meeting within twenty minutes, and felt much better to hear other people's struggles with this addiction. Some people are truly amazing for all they have been through and overcome. One person shared a story about how they used to think that if they substituted all the crappy junk food they were eating with "natural" versions (like Newman Os instead of Oreos), that they would be healthier and lose weight. Been there.

My next steps with OA are to speak up more at meetings, but also to call people. Everyone gives their phone number but I have never given mine, or called anyone. Several people who shared today spoke about being successful by calling people every week, and some people call others 2 and even 3 times a day. I'd like to be able to do that the next time I reach for a binge-trigger food. I've never done that before - called a stranger and asked for help. I think it will be weird. What does the other person say beyond don't do it?

Also wanted to mention that I discovered something that fills a snacking void for me - chicken broth. I bought a couple of boxes -- not cans, rather, the boxes of broth that you can keep in the refrigerator and pour just like juice. I heat them up and drink them like tea, and they are so good and filling. Please don't tell me they have a ton of salt because duh I already know that. I can only take on one enormous, fundamental soul-wrenching lifestyle change at a time.

One other interesting thing said at the meeting was that the only people who do not do well with the OA program are people who refuse to be completely honest with themselves. I do have the tendency to sneak food and lie to myself about eating, and my rationalization skills are at gold medalist levels. I hope I have the character and the fortitude to do this.

Tonight I went shopping. Buying new things always makes me feel better, but for some reason, I hadn't the appetite for it tonight (so to speak). I tried on a few things, but you know what? I don't like the way I look, and no amount of money is going to fix that. I cannot refute that picking a size L blouse and a size 14 pants is depressing. I looked at them hanging in the dressing room today - really looked at them -- and thought Wow, I am overweight. In my underwear, I turned around in the mirror. Fat rolls on my back. Usually I can lie to myself about my weight, I can imagine that new clothes fix things, and that I still look like I looked a few years ago.

Dressing room honesty is new for me. I realize now that when I shop and try on clothes at this weight, my thoughts do the same thing they do when I binge on food: they simply lie to me. It's a lie of omission, I just simply disconnect what I'm doing (binge eating) or seeing (an overweight woman in the mirror )from the true reality.

I can easily spend $250 on a single shopping spree, and on average I do this twice a month. That adds up to $6,000 per year. Healing this annoying addiction is going to make me look at everything anew, isn't it? How in God's name am I going to fill these empty spaces inside of me? If I am outing myself on binge eating, and shedding light on the darkness of my shopping sprees, than what in the world am I going to do with my time and feelings? Knitting? What does one do when they have left themselves no place to hide?

Failure

Weigh in: 175.5

I last posted on September 29th. It's October 10th, 12 days later. At that time I weighed 172.2. In 12 days I regained the weight *and more*. I had to travel for business, and I was incredibly busy and stressed because my manager was there with me. I was also in a different time zone, so I didn't sleep much and I was jetlagged. Stress, lack of sleep and unhealthy foods everywhere - these are like the nuclear bomb of all triggers. I did well for about 2 days of the trip, then it all went to hell. I didn't make a food plan ahead of time because I thought that since I was doing great, I'd just continue to do great. Obviously.

The other mistake I made was in not attending OA phone meetings. You see, once I really got the hang of "abstinence", as it is called in the program (which means for me, not binge-eating and eating in a way that nourishes me), I thought I could do it myself.

Then, once I lost control, I thought "I am a failure. I've done this forever. It's so overwhelming. I'll never be able to stop doing this." So I just didn't stop. For days.

Oh, what a miserable feeling. Self-loathing is the worst. It led to me eating an entire mini-pizza last night in addition to a candy bar AND a half quart of ice cream. Obviously I was full -- I was over-full, of course, but I had to reach that bloated, numb feeling in order to satisfy... to satisfy something. I dno't know what. The disease, I guess. I knew exactly what I was doing, but it was like I was having an out of body experience. I just moved my brain to a different plain and ignored the truth of what I was doing completely.

I thought about this blog, and how it would stay up on the internets forever with only a handful of hopeful posts before the author just dropped out of sight. I thought about how someone might come across it - someone who is one of our tribe of over eaters and binge-eaters - and know exactly what happened to me.

For some reason - utter desperation, probably - I'm back in the ring today. I cried for a long time this morning. I called into an OA meeting and even had the guts to share my failure. I went for a long walk. I still feel close to crying. I slipped on my promise to my body and self. I hurt myself, I treated my own body like nothing. I fed it crap and awfulness for days. I put that crap inside of me, just as I was learning to treat myself with love, gentleness and respect. I'm sorry, body. I'm sorry.

Becoming un-secretive about this subject is very new to me. I'm starting to tell my husband little bits of this. He's a very pragmatic person, so I'm unsure how he will react to the concept of overeating and binge eating as a type of disease. But it must be. I feel that it must be, because I can do - and have done - many difficult, awesome and impressive things in my life because I worked very, very hard to achieve them.

But this... this is by far one of the hardest. I don't think I can do it alone. I don't even know if I can do it. I'll just do what they say in the meetings and keep coming.

Wow.

Weighing in at 172.2 today. For those of you keeping score, that is one pound less than yesterday. Why one pound? I didn't do anything different from the days before. But I'll take it!

Sugar, we're goin' down.

173.2 today, down from yesterday.

Very surprising, since I figured I'd stay the same given the Hamburger Bun Incident. I'm happy, though. I'll take it.

I wish my body would catch up to how much thinner I already feel, but it looks like it's going to torture me two tenths of a pound at a time.

I re-read Skinny Bitch last night, and remembered why I didn't like it the first time. The authors have a lot of good things to day, but they're so crass and rude that it just turns me off. It's as if they never considered that you can motivate people without calling your readers (your buyers) assholes and other names every few pages.

Also, some of the swear phrases they use are just ugly, which is odd coming from people urging you to clear up your outlook and clean out your body. Don't get me wrong, I swear as much as the next person, but its use in the book it was incongruous with what they were trying to do. Maybe they just wanted to be sensational to sell books, in which case, well done.

Update

It's Sunday night, three days into this journey. I did very well today. I began the day with a coffee au lait (non fat, unsweetened) and a banana. I had plain chicken breast and red pepper slices for lunch. I had strawberries for a snack, and later some more pepper slices.

Dinner didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. For some reason, our planning was off. My husband was supposed to grill some burgers, but that didn't happen until later, and I was hungry. While I was waiting, I ate a whole wheat hamburger bun with a little bit of Smart Balance "butter". Then I had a very small burger (size of my palm) with about a teaspoon of ketchup, about a 1/3 cup of corn, and about 10 steamed green beans.

Man, am I full.

I have no idea whether I blew it or not, but the bun felt like a mistake. If I were doing Weight Watchers, I'm pretty sure I'm still within my points allotment for the day, but my stomach feels so bloated and full right now that I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow.

I can't believe that I used to eat twice this much in a day, and crappy food at that.

On the bright side, I made healthy frozen waffles for my family this morning and managed not to eat one. I managed to make a cheese sandwich for my son and not eat a bite, or make one for myself. What's more is that I think I'm going to make it through this night without eating anything else, which is also new.

I'm dreading the subject of exercise, but I know I'm going to have to confront it sooner or later. Right now, eating less and eating healthier is about all the work I can manage. I think once I feel better I'll be more inclined to exercise.

Failing To Plan

Weighing in at 173.4 today.

The scale was disappointing today. I woke up feeling good, feeling lighter today, and I felt sure the scale would reflect it.

I guess losing .4 of a pound is nothing to sneeze at. That's almost a half a pound in one day. I guess I felt like I worked really hard for that .4 pounds almost all day yesterday, it was a struggle almost all day. I wanted to see that I'd lost a full pound, or maybe two.

Let's marry my expectations to what actually happened yesterday.

I ate very well, coffee and a banana in the morning. Salad for lunch, with water. A bunch of carrots as a snack in the late afternoon, along with a non fat, unsweetened iced latte. A small piece of chicken pesto pizza for dinner (at a kids birthday party), with water. Always water. Then, late at night after the kids went to bed, I drank two glasses of sugar-free ginger ale with lots of ice.

All told, I did excellently, except for the part after dinner where one of my kids handed me their unfinished birthday cake and I ate 3/4 of it. Dammit. Anyone who says food can not be an addiction doesn't understand. I just could not stop myself. After every bite I said, "This is the last bite". I said that until that cake was nearly gone.

It wasn't my best day for healthy eating. The pizza and the birthday cake were low points, and soda - even sugar-free -- isn't exactly the choice of champions either, but kids' birthday parties and parks and other kinds of kid-related events always get me. Cookies and unhealthy foods and snacks are everywhere that kids are, it seems.

On the bright side, usually when I fail like that, I just give up for the rest of the day, turning it into a binge-fest. I didn't do that yesterday. It's been a very long time - years maybe - since I've been able to stop after an initial "binge trigger" like that. Although I didn't stop myself from finishing the cake, I did stop myself from turning it into an all-night sweets-fest.

Isn't it funny how I expected the scale to reflect that I'd lost more weight, even after I ate a piece of chocolate cake? That's how I operate, it seems. My mind decides to ignore the truth. That's partly what this blog is for: for me to face my weight and related issues with rigorous honesty.

OA says: Those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Lesson: I need to plan better.

Eating & The Hours

This morning I had a cafe au lait and a banana. For lunch I had a small Caesar salad with chicken, and a low carb, whole wheat tortilla. I feel very full, almost over-full. I'm good at breakfast and lunch. It's everything after 3PM that gets me, and at the moment the clock is ticking away towards The Hours. The Hours are from 6-10:30PM. That's the time I eat the most.

I am so used to reaching for food and snacks that I don't know what else I should do with myself. One school of thought says "Replace the target food with fruits and vegetables", but another school of thought says "Overeating of food - any food - is a symptom of a different problem." Getting rid of reaching for food altogether seems like the right goal. I would like to find contentment in my life as it is. As it is, I have a great life filled with good family, love, health, a lovely home and a job many people would love.

So what's the problem?

Even though it's a job that many people would love, I'm not sure it's the right job for me. As a kid, I was always very creative. I loved art, music, poetry and I especially enjoyed writing. I should have been a writer, as evidenced by the various poems and stories I wrote as a kid. I don't really know why I didn't follow that path, except for the perhaps vulgar reason that I saw the kind of lifestyle that other paths could afford me, and the notion of relative financial freedom was more appealing than nurturing my creative side. The arts, I figured, could be a hobby I'd explore in my free time. This logic assumed that I'd have free time.

What I didn't understand was the impact that having kids has on one's available personal time. My day starts with caring for kids and helping them off to school, then it's filled with fast-paced, challenging work in an industry I'm not too passionate about anymore (but in a job I'm good at), then it ends with picking up the kids and making them a healthy dinner. And then I stare into The Hours, a three-hour abyss of caring for the kids (two kids under age four) until it's time for bed. And then, it's time for my end-of-the-day reward. I eat until I can't eat any more. A pint of ice cream, or a sleeve of Chips Ahoy equals one serving for me.

Before you imagine that I'm some kind of awful mother for referring to spending time with one's own children as "the abyss", know that I care very well for my children. I do a lot of activities with them, and I fill their lives with love and fun and diverse experiences. I'd walk through fire for them; my love for them is complete. I read parenting books and I try to incorporate what I've learned. But damn. They're irrational and emotional and caring for them in a loving way all the time is 85% just plain hard work. I want to do everything right. I want to give them a healthy foundation. You can see that we're back to the perfectionist theme again.

It seems like no one else feels this way. It seems that all the mothers I know are contented (at least more content than me), and no one complains about how hard it is to stare into The Hours with two kids under four, knowing that their future and happiness depends on a solid foundation that you might be too tired from a day's work to provide.

Food

Weighing in at 173.8 today.

Last night, even after I typed that blog post, I ate 2 small "lunch box"-sized bags of Goldfish. That was 280 calories, almost a third of what a person should consume in an entire day. Was I hungry? No. I was bored. I had all this time in front of me before bedtime with my kids, and I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I justified it by saying "Well, compared to what I usually eat at night, that was actually great." As if the scale cares about relativity.

I know when the overeating started. It started after I got married about 8 years ago. I weighed 152 when I got married, and I looked good. I ate well and exercised a lot. I was a runner. After I got married, I would come home after a stressful day at work and, since my husband worked late, think "now what?". It got to the point where I would stop for candy or cookies on the way home, and I'd look forward to the evening time all afternoon. In the evening, the house was quiet and I could just sit and relax.

Then we had children, and any hope of straightening that all out just went out the window. The kids are older now, they're past the midnight wake-ups and constant colds and irregular schedules. I kept thinking that by the time the kids were this age, I'd get my act together and tackle the weight thing. That was about twenty pounds ago.

The weight thing is, I suspect, somehow connected to my inability to speak up in uncomfortable situations. I'm a pretty outgoing person by nature, and no one who knows me would imagine that I don't always speak my mind with confidence, but the secret is that I don't like conflict. I don't deal well when I have to say something -- anything -- that might make the other person uncomfortable, or not think well of me. I'm afraid that I'll be friendless.

I've taken some steps to remedy some things about my life. About four months ago, I started seeing a therapist to figure out why I, a woman who has so much good in her life, was so unhappy. As a result, I started nurturing my creative side, which is something I'd stopped making time to do mainly because in the hierarchy of daily priorities, such personal pleasures always fall to last. I've even had some success and positive response in that arena. I've started attending Overeaters Anonymous conference calls, which fit terrifically into my schedule. A combination of therapy and OA has granted me insight about how my feelings about conflict don't just disappear into the ether. I eat to suppress them.

This blog is my way of opening my mouth, not to eat, but instead, to speak.

First Post: I'm a compuslive overeater

I am a forty year-old compulsive overeater. I am 5'6 and I weigh 174.5 pounds. By my estimation, I am 24 pounds overweight. I have never weighed this much in my life.

I am a working mother in a highly demanding job. I overeat at night, mostly sugary sweets and ice cream. I sometimes hide food. I sometimes make special trips just for sugary food. I look forward to the time when I can just eat. Eating is, I feel, the only thing in my life that is for me. It is my reward for getting through another stressful day successfully.

I arrived here because I tried to diet (again), and for the first time in my life, I realized that I just couldn't do it. In my life, I am an overachiever, a classic perfectionist. I know a lot about healthy eating. Intellectually, I know how to do it. But I don't know that I can do it. It's a big deal for me when I am unable to do something. There are not many things that I can't apply myself to and get done, but I am not sure I will be able to stop eating at night.

It's taken me twenty years to make the connection between my weight, my overeating, and how I hide my emotions. I think I'm going to have to dig into what's driving me to overeat in order to stop it. I'm not looking forward to this journey because I'm afraid to make the fundamental changes that appear to be required.