Slow progress

169.5 today.

Internets, you're going to track my weight loss and recovery pound by long, sloo-ow pound.

In any case, I'm very happy to have officially gotten under 170 for the first time in over one year. I still can't believe I ever weighed that much. My life was out of control.

I attended a phone meeting yesterday, which was wonderful. I'm starting to share at these meetings pretty freely, as if I'm a seasoned regular. I even shared my phone number with this group of virtual strangers. Very odd, but liberating in a weird, thrilling way.

The scale is reflecting some of the inner changes I'm experiencing, like this amazing moment from yesterday:

Last night my boys had some friends over for a play date at our home. We were supposed to meet a a local park, but it got cold and windy during the day and our home was the closest logical alternative. I mention this seemingly mundane logistical detail because it's important to note that I am generally not brave enough to manage a playdate in my home, because I don't handle kid-chaos in stride. It's one of my binge-eating triggers.

But last night, as the children were exploding in cacophony, some of them crying and others screaming happily amongst the toy-strewn mess at my feet, I remained calm and happy. Calm and happy! Even when one of my children was striving for an Olympic medal in the four year-old sport of Friend-Hitting. I just looked around the living room and laughed, because the chaos was so unbelievable. I even went so far as to hug one of the other moms because I was so filled with love at that moment. "Can you believe this is our life?", I asked, laughing.

It was the single most life-affirming moment I have had in years.

Was that really me? If so, it was a glimmer of light on the hope-horizon. I might be getting better.

Perfectionism is a harsh mistress

Information on Perfectionism from Wikipedia:

"In its pathological form, perfectionism can be very damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when it is used to postpone tasks ("I can't start my project until I know the 'right' way to do it."), and self-deprecation when it is used to excuse poor performance or to seek sympathy and affirmation from other people ("I can't believe I don't know how to reach my own goals. I must be stupid; how else could I not be able to do this?").

In the workplace, perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities. This can lead to depression, alienated colleagues, and a greater risk of accidents.^[8] Adderholt-Elliot (1989) describes five characteristics of perfectionist students and teachers which contribute to underachievement: procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset, paralysed perfectionism, and workaholism.^[9] In intimate relationships, unrealistic expectations can cause significant dissatisfaction for both partners.^[10] Perfectionists may sacrifice family and social activities in the quest for their goals.

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disorder, eating disorders, self harm, and clinical depression.^[c"

Where has the OA program been all my life?

See-saw

Still 170.4 today, and I must say I'm a little disappointed.

Yesterday I was at 169, which thrilled me, because I haven't seen that weight in one year. I didn't do anything differently yesterday in terms of eating, so it's kind of a bummer that I went *up*.

I've completely changed my eating habits, so I'm frustrated that the weight is not coming off faster. On the other hand, I'm more centered than I've been in the past year, at least.

I'm still attending phone meetings, though less often, and a weekly in-person meeting.

I have also learned that if I eat something rich in protein at every meal, I am far less hungry and prone to cravings and binges.

I'm reading a lot about perfectionism, and about how it's typically paired with a disconnect between one's mind and one's body.

I like taking care of myself. It's different and kind of fun. I just wish my body would catch up to my current frame of mind. I guess it's going to take a while to undo years of unhealthy eating.

Nothing good ever comes easily, isn't that the truth?

Deceit

I was just looking back through my previous posts, and realized that on many (most?) days, I "sneak" some food that isn't on plan. This reminds me that I am still addicted, though nowhere nearly as out of control as I have been for the last year.

On the whole, I am taking much better care of myself and feel much better now that I've reigned in the madness of a nightly pint of ice cream, but there is hard work to come to terms with this ability to deceive myself. My brain says: "Meh, it's just a little (candy), (handful of fries),(bite of ice cream), etc." and then I'm off to the races: I cannot stop at just one.

If you knew me in real life, you might have no idea that I am addicted. I really look great on paper and can function quite well in the world, but inside I'm a (recovering) mess.

Lessons learned:

• Restaurants are not a good place for me right now
• A Daily Food Plan is essential
• Attending meetings is very important

And

• I can't do this alone. I really can't. I've tried for years and failed. My failure is not a moral flaw. This is a real addiction.

Down Down Down

Weighing in at 170.4 today, down down down from the earlier madness. I should mention that at my most this past year, I weighed 178 and of course I was binge eating every day, all the time. My life is definitely more in control and relaxed.

I've been thinking about reaching out and asking for help from others for about a month since attending OA meetings by phone, and last week's meeting in person. Actually connecting with someone who might be able to help when the compulsion hits will be essential for my reaching Step 2 of the program. I'm not used to asking for help, but I am powerless over food.

Attended a meeting in the morning yesterday and actually made a food plan for the entire day, which was extremely helpful. Slipped a little yesterday because we had planned to make gingerbread cookies with my sons, which was a mistake. It was kind of like an alcoholic taking her family to a bar to eat dinner, thinking "I'm doing fine. I won't need a drink." I was good at abstaining from eating the dough for about 1 hour, but then I let go. Thank goodness it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but to be rigorously honest, I knew exactly what I was doing when I did it. It was just too damn hard to restrain, and it really felt good when I ate it. It was like the beast was satisfied. Aside from that, I did well for the rest of the evening, as evidenced by my continued weight loss.

I hate thinking about food all day long. Even though I did well yesterday, I did well by replacing most of my between meals snacking with fruit and water, so the effect is that I was still eating for most of the day. I wish I had something better to replace this compulsion with. I wish I never thought about food except for energy and nourishment for my body. What will I replace this space with?

Doing great

Checking in at 171.4

Not bad, huh? And still doing well!

I even made an appointment with my regular doctor to take better care of myself. I need a mammogram, I need to better regulate my estrogen, and I need to address my sleep problems.

Go me.

Quick check

173.4 today

Ate well all day, but once I picked up my sons and faced The Hours, I lost it just a little.

I decided to walk with my sons to a nearby restaurant for dinner just for something to do with all that time. At the restaurant I ordered a glass of wine and a green salad, and ended up eating 3 bites of my salad (the dressing was not nearly as inviting as it sounded on the menu), and half of my son's french fries, with ketchup. Restaurants seem to be not such a good choice for me right now. Then, after that, I was feeling like a failure so I ate a Charms lollipop.

On the bright side, where I am now is worlds better than where I was four weeks ago, and light years better than where I've been for the past year, when this latest 10-pound binge began. I will tell you more about what kicked off that binge later, because in that instance, I can trace it back to a single emotional event.

I attended my first face to face OA meeting tonight and I cried like a cork came out of a bottle. In fact, since I started this journey, I feel like I'm about 3 seconds away from crying at any given time. Later I came home and fixed myself some warm chicken broth.

More on the meeting experience later. As part of taking better care of myself, I promised myself I'd try to get to sleep at a decent hour.