Food

Weighing in at 173.8 today.

Last night, even after I typed that blog post, I ate 2 small "lunch box"-sized bags of Goldfish. That was 280 calories, almost a third of what a person should consume in an entire day. Was I hungry? No. I was bored. I had all this time in front of me before bedtime with my kids, and I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I justified it by saying "Well, compared to what I usually eat at night, that was actually great." As if the scale cares about relativity.

I know when the overeating started. It started after I got married about 8 years ago. I weighed 152 when I got married, and I looked good. I ate well and exercised a lot. I was a runner. After I got married, I would come home after a stressful day at work and, since my husband worked late, think "now what?". It got to the point where I would stop for candy or cookies on the way home, and I'd look forward to the evening time all afternoon. In the evening, the house was quiet and I could just sit and relax.

Then we had children, and any hope of straightening that all out just went out the window. The kids are older now, they're past the midnight wake-ups and constant colds and irregular schedules. I kept thinking that by the time the kids were this age, I'd get my act together and tackle the weight thing. That was about twenty pounds ago.

The weight thing is, I suspect, somehow connected to my inability to speak up in uncomfortable situations. I'm a pretty outgoing person by nature, and no one who knows me would imagine that I don't always speak my mind with confidence, but the secret is that I don't like conflict. I don't deal well when I have to say something -- anything -- that might make the other person uncomfortable, or not think well of me. I'm afraid that I'll be friendless.

I've taken some steps to remedy some things about my life. About four months ago, I started seeing a therapist to figure out why I, a woman who has so much good in her life, was so unhappy. As a result, I started nurturing my creative side, which is something I'd stopped making time to do mainly because in the hierarchy of daily priorities, such personal pleasures always fall to last. I've even had some success and positive response in that arena. I've started attending Overeaters Anonymous conference calls, which fit terrifically into my schedule. A combination of therapy and OA has granted me insight about how my feelings about conflict don't just disappear into the ether. I eat to suppress them.

This blog is my way of opening my mouth, not to eat, but instead, to speak.