Slow progress

169.5 today.

Internets, you're going to track my weight loss and recovery pound by long, sloo-ow pound.

In any case, I'm very happy to have officially gotten under 170 for the first time in over one year. I still can't believe I ever weighed that much. My life was out of control.

I attended a phone meeting yesterday, which was wonderful. I'm starting to share at these meetings pretty freely, as if I'm a seasoned regular. I even shared my phone number with this group of virtual strangers. Very odd, but liberating in a weird, thrilling way.

The scale is reflecting some of the inner changes I'm experiencing, like this amazing moment from yesterday:

Last night my boys had some friends over for a play date at our home. We were supposed to meet a a local park, but it got cold and windy during the day and our home was the closest logical alternative. I mention this seemingly mundane logistical detail because it's important to note that I am generally not brave enough to manage a playdate in my home, because I don't handle kid-chaos in stride. It's one of my binge-eating triggers.

But last night, as the children were exploding in cacophony, some of them crying and others screaming happily amongst the toy-strewn mess at my feet, I remained calm and happy. Calm and happy! Even when one of my children was striving for an Olympic medal in the four year-old sport of Friend-Hitting. I just looked around the living room and laughed, because the chaos was so unbelievable. I even went so far as to hug one of the other moms because I was so filled with love at that moment. "Can you believe this is our life?", I asked, laughing.

It was the single most life-affirming moment I have had in years.

Was that really me? If so, it was a glimmer of light on the hope-horizon. I might be getting better.

Perfectionism is a harsh mistress

Information on Perfectionism from Wikipedia:

"In its pathological form, perfectionism can be very damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when it is used to postpone tasks ("I can't start my project until I know the 'right' way to do it."), and self-deprecation when it is used to excuse poor performance or to seek sympathy and affirmation from other people ("I can't believe I don't know how to reach my own goals. I must be stupid; how else could I not be able to do this?").

In the workplace, perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities. This can lead to depression, alienated colleagues, and a greater risk of accidents.^[8] Adderholt-Elliot (1989) describes five characteristics of perfectionist students and teachers which contribute to underachievement: procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset, paralysed perfectionism, and workaholism.^[9] In intimate relationships, unrealistic expectations can cause significant dissatisfaction for both partners.^[10] Perfectionists may sacrifice family and social activities in the quest for their goals.

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disorder, eating disorders, self harm, and clinical depression.^[c"

Where has the OA program been all my life?

See-saw

Still 170.4 today, and I must say I'm a little disappointed.

Yesterday I was at 169, which thrilled me, because I haven't seen that weight in one year. I didn't do anything differently yesterday in terms of eating, so it's kind of a bummer that I went *up*.

I've completely changed my eating habits, so I'm frustrated that the weight is not coming off faster. On the other hand, I'm more centered than I've been in the past year, at least.

I'm still attending phone meetings, though less often, and a weekly in-person meeting.

I have also learned that if I eat something rich in protein at every meal, I am far less hungry and prone to cravings and binges.

I'm reading a lot about perfectionism, and about how it's typically paired with a disconnect between one's mind and one's body.

I like taking care of myself. It's different and kind of fun. I just wish my body would catch up to my current frame of mind. I guess it's going to take a while to undo years of unhealthy eating.

Nothing good ever comes easily, isn't that the truth?

Deceit

I was just looking back through my previous posts, and realized that on many (most?) days, I "sneak" some food that isn't on plan. This reminds me that I am still addicted, though nowhere nearly as out of control as I have been for the last year.

On the whole, I am taking much better care of myself and feel much better now that I've reigned in the madness of a nightly pint of ice cream, but there is hard work to come to terms with this ability to deceive myself. My brain says: "Meh, it's just a little (candy), (handful of fries),(bite of ice cream), etc." and then I'm off to the races: I cannot stop at just one.

If you knew me in real life, you might have no idea that I am addicted. I really look great on paper and can function quite well in the world, but inside I'm a (recovering) mess.

Lessons learned:

• Restaurants are not a good place for me right now
• A Daily Food Plan is essential
• Attending meetings is very important

And

• I can't do this alone. I really can't. I've tried for years and failed. My failure is not a moral flaw. This is a real addiction.

Down Down Down

Weighing in at 170.4 today, down down down from the earlier madness. I should mention that at my most this past year, I weighed 178 and of course I was binge eating every day, all the time. My life is definitely more in control and relaxed.

I've been thinking about reaching out and asking for help from others for about a month since attending OA meetings by phone, and last week's meeting in person. Actually connecting with someone who might be able to help when the compulsion hits will be essential for my reaching Step 2 of the program. I'm not used to asking for help, but I am powerless over food.

Attended a meeting in the morning yesterday and actually made a food plan for the entire day, which was extremely helpful. Slipped a little yesterday because we had planned to make gingerbread cookies with my sons, which was a mistake. It was kind of like an alcoholic taking her family to a bar to eat dinner, thinking "I'm doing fine. I won't need a drink." I was good at abstaining from eating the dough for about 1 hour, but then I let go. Thank goodness it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but to be rigorously honest, I knew exactly what I was doing when I did it. It was just too damn hard to restrain, and it really felt good when I ate it. It was like the beast was satisfied. Aside from that, I did well for the rest of the evening, as evidenced by my continued weight loss.

I hate thinking about food all day long. Even though I did well yesterday, I did well by replacing most of my between meals snacking with fruit and water, so the effect is that I was still eating for most of the day. I wish I had something better to replace this compulsion with. I wish I never thought about food except for energy and nourishment for my body. What will I replace this space with?

Doing great

Checking in at 171.4

Not bad, huh? And still doing well!

I even made an appointment with my regular doctor to take better care of myself. I need a mammogram, I need to better regulate my estrogen, and I need to address my sleep problems.

Go me.

Quick check

173.4 today

Ate well all day, but once I picked up my sons and faced The Hours, I lost it just a little.

I decided to walk with my sons to a nearby restaurant for dinner just for something to do with all that time. At the restaurant I ordered a glass of wine and a green salad, and ended up eating 3 bites of my salad (the dressing was not nearly as inviting as it sounded on the menu), and half of my son's french fries, with ketchup. Restaurants seem to be not such a good choice for me right now. Then, after that, I was feeling like a failure so I ate a Charms lollipop.

On the bright side, where I am now is worlds better than where I was four weeks ago, and light years better than where I've been for the past year, when this latest 10-pound binge began. I will tell you more about what kicked off that binge later, because in that instance, I can trace it back to a single emotional event.

I attended my first face to face OA meeting tonight and I cried like a cork came out of a bottle. In fact, since I started this journey, I feel like I'm about 3 seconds away from crying at any given time. Later I came home and fixed myself some warm chicken broth.

More on the meeting experience later. As part of taking better care of myself, I promised myself I'd try to get to sleep at a decent hour.

Back on the wagon (but there's hay on this wagon and it itches and I'd rather be somewhere else)

I didn't weigh myself this morning, but it was an honest oversight. I was running late and didn't have time to take a shower. The scale is in the bathroom. Yadda yadda yadda ... no weight today, but not out of avoidance. You should especially believe me because I more than likely weigh less than I did yesterday.

I did okay today. I started the morning off well, with a hard boiled egg (of all things -- as if I am 70 years old), a banana and my usual non-fat, no sugar cafe au lait. I didn't plan well for lunch (for reasons that are too logistically complicated and boring to explain), but didn't slip from plan. I avoided birthday cake and general crappy eating at one of my children's friends' birthday parties. I attended a meeting.

Here's the honest truth: I snuck 3 pieces of See's candy because, well, because it is effing hard to quit a habit you've had for much of your life, but which you've spent the last 7 years or so perfecting. However, total for the day I came in at under 1,000 calories, and ate mostly nutritiously.

Normally I would not have been able to stop eating at 3 pieces, but this time, for whatever reason, I was able to concentrate on how really full I felt. The trigger was that I had been with my children all day, being a good, loving, involved and playful parent, and then when it was time for my husband to take over for a while, I reached for the candy. It was my reward, my treat, my "this is for me" time.

Oh, we had us a stare-down, me and that package of See's, before I ate some of them. I just ate one after the other, pretending that I wasn't eating them at all, pretending as if eating them was happening to someone else and not me. And the rationalization - oh, the rationalization! I'll just eat a half of a piece turned into one piece won't kill me and then oh well two is fine - they're kinda small and I've been very good for almost two days. I didn't even want the third piece but the habit is so strong.

I attended an OA phone meeting within twenty minutes, and felt much better to hear other people's struggles with this addiction. Some people are truly amazing for all they have been through and overcome. One person shared a story about how they used to think that if they substituted all the crappy junk food they were eating with "natural" versions (like Newman Os instead of Oreos), that they would be healthier and lose weight. Been there.

My next steps with OA are to speak up more at meetings, but also to call people. Everyone gives their phone number but I have never given mine, or called anyone. Several people who shared today spoke about being successful by calling people every week, and some people call others 2 and even 3 times a day. I'd like to be able to do that the next time I reach for a binge-trigger food. I've never done that before - called a stranger and asked for help. I think it will be weird. What does the other person say beyond don't do it?

Also wanted to mention that I discovered something that fills a snacking void for me - chicken broth. I bought a couple of boxes -- not cans, rather, the boxes of broth that you can keep in the refrigerator and pour just like juice. I heat them up and drink them like tea, and they are so good and filling. Please don't tell me they have a ton of salt because duh I already know that. I can only take on one enormous, fundamental soul-wrenching lifestyle change at a time.

One other interesting thing said at the meeting was that the only people who do not do well with the OA program are people who refuse to be completely honest with themselves. I do have the tendency to sneak food and lie to myself about eating, and my rationalization skills are at gold medalist levels. I hope I have the character and the fortitude to do this.

Tonight I went shopping. Buying new things always makes me feel better, but for some reason, I hadn't the appetite for it tonight (so to speak). I tried on a few things, but you know what? I don't like the way I look, and no amount of money is going to fix that. I cannot refute that picking a size L blouse and a size 14 pants is depressing. I looked at them hanging in the dressing room today - really looked at them -- and thought Wow, I am overweight. In my underwear, I turned around in the mirror. Fat rolls on my back. Usually I can lie to myself about my weight, I can imagine that new clothes fix things, and that I still look like I looked a few years ago.

Dressing room honesty is new for me. I realize now that when I shop and try on clothes at this weight, my thoughts do the same thing they do when I binge on food: they simply lie to me. It's a lie of omission, I just simply disconnect what I'm doing (binge eating) or seeing (an overweight woman in the mirror )from the true reality.

I can easily spend $250 on a single shopping spree, and on average I do this twice a month. That adds up to $6,000 per year. Healing this annoying addiction is going to make me look at everything anew, isn't it? How in God's name am I going to fill these empty spaces inside of me? If I am outing myself on binge eating, and shedding light on the darkness of my shopping sprees, than what in the world am I going to do with my time and feelings? Knitting? What does one do when they have left themselves no place to hide?

Failure

Weigh in: 175.5

I last posted on September 29th. It's October 10th, 12 days later. At that time I weighed 172.2. In 12 days I regained the weight *and more*. I had to travel for business, and I was incredibly busy and stressed because my manager was there with me. I was also in a different time zone, so I didn't sleep much and I was jetlagged. Stress, lack of sleep and unhealthy foods everywhere - these are like the nuclear bomb of all triggers. I did well for about 2 days of the trip, then it all went to hell. I didn't make a food plan ahead of time because I thought that since I was doing great, I'd just continue to do great. Obviously.

The other mistake I made was in not attending OA phone meetings. You see, once I really got the hang of "abstinence", as it is called in the program (which means for me, not binge-eating and eating in a way that nourishes me), I thought I could do it myself.

Then, once I lost control, I thought "I am a failure. I've done this forever. It's so overwhelming. I'll never be able to stop doing this." So I just didn't stop. For days.

Oh, what a miserable feeling. Self-loathing is the worst. It led to me eating an entire mini-pizza last night in addition to a candy bar AND a half quart of ice cream. Obviously I was full -- I was over-full, of course, but I had to reach that bloated, numb feeling in order to satisfy... to satisfy something. I dno't know what. The disease, I guess. I knew exactly what I was doing, but it was like I was having an out of body experience. I just moved my brain to a different plain and ignored the truth of what I was doing completely.

I thought about this blog, and how it would stay up on the internets forever with only a handful of hopeful posts before the author just dropped out of sight. I thought about how someone might come across it - someone who is one of our tribe of over eaters and binge-eaters - and know exactly what happened to me.

For some reason - utter desperation, probably - I'm back in the ring today. I cried for a long time this morning. I called into an OA meeting and even had the guts to share my failure. I went for a long walk. I still feel close to crying. I slipped on my promise to my body and self. I hurt myself, I treated my own body like nothing. I fed it crap and awfulness for days. I put that crap inside of me, just as I was learning to treat myself with love, gentleness and respect. I'm sorry, body. I'm sorry.

Becoming un-secretive about this subject is very new to me. I'm starting to tell my husband little bits of this. He's a very pragmatic person, so I'm unsure how he will react to the concept of overeating and binge eating as a type of disease. But it must be. I feel that it must be, because I can do - and have done - many difficult, awesome and impressive things in my life because I worked very, very hard to achieve them.

But this... this is by far one of the hardest. I don't think I can do it alone. I don't even know if I can do it. I'll just do what they say in the meetings and keep coming.