Struggling

166.8 today.

I'm struggling.

I'm out of the crazy eating stage (which I'll call The Crazy), and for that I am thankful and grateful. But I'm not mended yet.

During The Crazy, when I was up to 177 (gasp!), I would just eat terrible foods all day long, then binge almost every night. Some of my daily food intake was just incredible, not necessarily for volume, but for the lack of health. Almost no fruits or vegetables, and very little (if any) water.

During The Crazy, my life was out of control on the inside, but probably looked okay on the outside. I had trouble sleeping, and I was starting to have painful reflux issues. I never told my husband that part, since it was (and still is) pretty embarrassing. Once, I was at a restaurant with my sons and I began eating some fatty food -- deep fried sesame chicken or some such-- and I had to leave the table to throw up because the reflux was so bad. It's kind of a wake up call to be in a puking in a bathroom stall with my kids watching me, scared.

I'm in a much, much healthier eating pattern. I have not had reflux symptoms since I started this program of health and weight loss, but I am still refusing to let go of some sneaky habits.

I am surrounded by food all day long. It seems like everywhere I go, someone has a dish of candy or cake or chocolate out on their desk, or even at the boys' preschool. I have been eating one or two lately, telling myself that "it's just one or two, and I am doing really well".

Tonight I even left the house with the excuse of returning a blouse, but I was following an old pattern of going to the mall for and stopping by the candy store to binge on chocolate. I didn't end up going to the chocolate store tonight, but I did end up spending 3x as much money as I originally planned on clothes. Three times as much money. Let that sink in.

Those new clothes are hanging in my closet now, just 50 feet away, as I type this.

I know exactly what I did. I knew I was doing it when I did it, but I did it anyway. My husband will be pretty damn annoyed with the $150 bill, and I know that, and yet I still did it. And here's another confession: that is the second time this week that I have had a shopping binge, and the second time this week I have spent close to $200. I head to the mall, following an old pattern to get chocolate, then I remind myself that I don't want chocolate, but then I buy clothes. It's as if my brain is going to get what it wants, whether it be food or new clothes - whatever the "high" is - however it can get it. It is so frustrating to have this issue. This addiction.

I do great with eating and with other people all day. I'm a much more whole person at work, I'm happier and my new job is working out really well. My problem is still the evenings. I am still vexed with how to spend that time in a way that feels rewarding to me. Chasing two boys around, getting them fed and bathed, dealing with temper tantrums, trying to be a good parent ... I'm just going to say it right here: this does not do it for me. But what else can I do? They are great kids and of course they are my first priority, and they need to be loved and cared for. I'm considering spending some of the evenings at the local pool. This way, I can get some exercise and the kids will have fun and burn off some energy. Beyond this, I don't know what to do with The Hours. They are the time when I crave sugar foods the most.

I keep re-reading steps 2 and 3 of OA, which say that you literally have to turn yourself over to your higher power to help, that you can. not. do. this. alone. The book says that there are many of us who do not believe that God can really help us with food issues. Deep down, that's true. I have never given over control to God in a complete way ever before. They say to use the program and the people, and turn your cravings over to God when they happen. That just sounds so silly to me, as if God really cares about that chocolate cupcake sitting on a plate, baiting me. But they say God loves us in our totality, and can help. I don't know how to do that. I'm going to start trying, I guess. What other choice do I have? Everything else I have tried to do with regard to eating healthier and not binge-eating has failed. Everything.

I have managed not to binge on sugar foods tonight, but last night I had an ice cream. Tonight, I binge-shopped and instead of over-eating sugar foods, I overate broccoli. I ate almost an entire bag, and I wasn't even hungry. That's not normal eating.

I'm all over the place tonight. Maybe I'll be more centered tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. This confession has been very cleansing.