I did okay today. I started the morning off well, with a hard boiled egg (of all things -- as if I am 70 years old), a banana and my usual non-fat, no sugar cafe au lait. I didn't plan well for lunch (for reasons that are too logistically complicated and boring to explain), but didn't slip from plan. I avoided birthday cake and general crappy eating at one of my children's friends' birthday parties. I attended a meeting.
Here's the honest truth: I snuck 3 pieces of See's candy because, well, because it is effing hard to quit a habit you've had for much of your life, but which you've spent the last 7 years or so perfecting. However, total for the day I came in at under 1,000 calories, and ate mostly nutritiously.
Normally I would not have been able to stop eating at 3 pieces, but this time, for whatever reason, I was able to concentrate on how really full I felt. The trigger was that I had been with my children all day, being a good, loving, involved and playful parent, and then when it was time for my husband to take over for a while, I reached for the candy. It was my reward, my treat, my "this is for me" time.
Oh, we had us a stare-down, me and that package of See's, before I ate some of them. I just ate one after the other, pretending that I wasn't eating them at all, pretending as if eating them was happening to someone else and not me. And the rationalization - oh, the rationalization! I'll just eat a half of a piece turned into one piece won't kill me and then oh well two is fine - they're kinda small and I've been very good for almost two days. I didn't even want the third piece but the habit is so strong.
I attended an OA phone meeting within twenty minutes, and felt much better to hear other people's struggles with this addiction. Some people are truly amazing for all they have been through and overcome. One person shared a story about how they used to think that if they substituted all the crappy junk food they were eating with "natural" versions (like Newman Os instead of Oreos), that they would be healthier and lose weight. Been there.
My next steps with OA are to speak up more at meetings, but also to call people. Everyone gives their phone number but I have never given mine, or called anyone. Several people who shared today spoke about being successful by calling people every week, and some people call others 2 and even 3 times a day. I'd like to be able to do that the next time I reach for a binge-trigger food. I've never done that before - called a stranger and asked for help. I think it will be weird. What does the other person say beyond don't do it?
Also wanted to mention that I discovered something that fills a snacking void for me - chicken broth. I bought a couple of boxes -- not cans, rather, the boxes of broth that you can keep in the refrigerator and pour just like juice. I heat them up and drink them like tea, and they are so good and filling. Please don't tell me they have a ton of salt because duh I already know that. I can only take on one enormous, fundamental soul-wrenching lifestyle change at a time.
One other interesting thing said at the meeting was that the only people who do not do well with the OA program are people who refuse to be completely honest with themselves. I do have the tendency to sneak food and lie to myself about eating, and my rationalization skills are at gold medalist levels. I hope I have the character and the fortitude to do this.
Tonight I went shopping. Buying new things always makes me feel better, but for some reason, I hadn't the appetite for it tonight (so to speak). I tried on a few things, but you know what? I don't like the way I look, and no amount of money is going to fix that. I cannot refute that picking a size L blouse and a size 14 pants is depressing. I looked at them hanging in the dressing room today - really looked at them -- and thought Wow, I am overweight. In my underwear, I turned around in the mirror. Fat rolls on my back. Usually I can lie to myself about my weight, I can imagine that new clothes fix things, and that I still look like I looked a few years ago.
Dressing room honesty is new for me. I realize now that when I shop and try on clothes at this weight, my thoughts do the same thing they do when I binge on food: they simply lie to me. It's a lie of omission, I just simply disconnect what I'm doing (binge eating) or seeing (an overweight woman in the mirror )from the true reality.
I can easily spend $250 on a single shopping spree, and on average I do this twice a month. That adds up to $6,000 per year. Healing this annoying addiction is going to make me look at everything anew, isn't it? How in God's name am I going to fill these empty spaces inside of me? If I am outing myself on binge eating, and shedding light on the darkness of my shopping sprees, than what in the world am I going to do with my time and feelings? Knitting? What does one do when they have left themselves no place to hide?
No comments:
Post a Comment